| | It's late. I'm sleepless. Exhausted as usual but not tormented. I've just gotten used to these hours. I'm also anxious about what's to come. Excited. Nervous. We'll see how it all unfolds soon. Besides that my mind scans through a handful of relevant thoughts. First, I'm happy-- I guess-- to say that I haven't crossed over into the land of the comfortably numb. I tried in various ways to compartmentalize and almost successfully fulfilled my needs in bits and pieces. Turns out, it was a fluke. I don't know how to come close and not connect. I also don't know how to connect without wanting to come close. I don't do stringless. And if I do stringless, I feel nothing. It's a lame observation because it means I can't really be the detached independent entity that I'd like to be right now. It's technically good news because I guess it means I'm still very much a warm-blooded woman... not so comfortably numb. Second, it appears my ability to project persists. It continues to pick targets and projects feelings onto them for no good reason. I'd like more than anything to turn this stereopticon off. While I may be comfortably alone, I'm apparently not subconsciously satisfied with that. I'm turning back to my old, bad habits. I know where these roads lead. I know the temporary hope of possibly finding the exception. I am hopeless. It needs to stop. I am tired of the disappointments to follow. How come I can't be impressed? Is this just an ugly face I'm making? And if I hold it long enough, will be really stay like this?
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| | Posted 7/5/2009 7:42 AM - 17 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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