November 2009. I've had some time to work on my own things lately and it's been such a beautiful relief to turn back to music. This song was written during a dark time, as you probably can guess, and it's always been my style to write things that I cannot say or am not allowed to say. It was in hopes of dispelling the uglies and crazies in my head. I'm glad to say that music therapy does work (for me anyway). Special thanks to Tony T. Nguyen for working his dramatic arrangement magic. That entire intro was his cinematic touch. It really carried my ideas for the images along. Thanks to TDMEDIA/Tam Doan Ent.'s recording studio for being open to my nutso work. Thanks to anh Matt Dung Nguyen for his ample support and assistance. I suppose I should thank the many 'Kristines' that worked on this song with me: the ones that sang the back-up vocals, the one that directed, edited, and executed this video, and the one that wouldn't stop singing from the corner of the room. Of course, as always, I thank you for taking your time to watch this song and share these strange moments with me. This asylum isn't so lonely after all.
With much crazy love, Kristine
"LONELY ASYLUM" Written & performed by KRISTINE SA Arrangement by Tony T. Nguyen
For better or worse, I am here now. With a handful of words I'm not allowed To utter for reasons I don't understand So I swallow them down as best I can Even though I've figured it all out
You're not in love with me, you're in love with Kristine And I know exactly what she's done to you But when you fall for her, you end up with me And I hate to be the one to give you the news...
She's not real, she never was-- even if you wait she'll never be She's not real, all you get is me She's not real, she never was-- All you're seeing is your fantasy She's not real, all you get is me And my love. Is that enough?
I can still taste every bit of hurt You left me here for better or worse With a handful of questions I don't comprehend Without trace of an answer once again And I'm sad to say-- you're not the first.
You're not in love with me you're in love with Kristine That's how it's always been And I know exactly what she can do Don't fall for her. 'Cause you'll be left with me And I hate to be the only one who knows This bit of truth
She's not real, she never was-- even if you wait she'll never be She's not real, all you get is me She's not real, she never was-- All you're seeing is your fantasy She's not real, all you get is me And my love Is that enough for you Underneath your beloved ingenue Is a girl still helplessly on her knees On a stage unlit, when the thunder hits She cries and cries and cries Will you be the first to recognize...
She's not real, she never was-- even if I wait she'll never be She's not real, all I am is me She's not real, she never was-- All I'm seeing is my fantasy She's not real, all I am is me And will that ever be enough?
(teardrops on a rosy bed, I am always waiting teardrops on a rosy bed, I am always here.)
Life got hard again. Real hard. It's been beating me up. I've made some choices and I'm getting hit left, right, and centre for them. I'm weaker than I'd like to be right now. I'm more of a coward than I ever want to accept. I shamefully admit that I want the goods without paying the price-- but I do know better than to expect that. I am lonely. No matter how far I go from this feeling, I always come home to it. Is this my home? The loneliness? Sometimes I wonder if I was born in it.
I've been blessed with praise, but the price that I pay-- Nobody knows. Nobody sees. Nobody cares. You walked me home at the end of the day. But you didn't stay. Where you had to go, you needed to be, and I wasn't there.
How could possibly think I'd wait. While you decided your fate.
Keep all your words that sounded like home I'll cry myself to sleep alone Nobody needs to know Take all this hurt out of my home I'd rather die here than let it all show Nobody needs to know
I showed you all, the strong and the weak-- the pieces of me were yours to keep. And when time came to leap, I watched you leave. I couldn't set you free, couldn't let you fly. You were never mine. And when you left, I broke down and wept, along on my knees. I prayed that you'd never come back again. God give me a chance to mend.
Keep all your words that sounded like home I'll cry myself to sleep alone Nobody needs to know Take all this hurt out of my home I'd rather die here than let it all show Nobody needs to know
I let you in. Show you my cards... You broke my heart.
- Kristine Sa
Dear readers, Above are the lyrics to "Nobody" which I wrote a few months ago. These lyrics were originally part of a journey entry. It means to the world to me to be able to release a song without an agenda. I wrote this in one night. Passed it over to my friend, musician Tony T. Nguyen for his take on the arrangement. When the music came back to me, this demo version was recorded and mixed in one night. I had thought about going back and tweaking the vocals, the mix, etc. But I didn't. This little video was filmed in a one day on location in Malibu, CA. And was edited in one memorizing, lonely night. I meant to do the whole thing only to be shared online for free with you. And it feels wonderful to be able to do so. I thank you for being connected. I thank God for the creative outlets. And I thank the following people for lending a helping hand in this little song and video: chi Tam Doan, anh Tien Dung, Tony T. Nguyen, Johnny "JP" Phan, anh Matt Dung Nguyen, & Andy La. Last but not least, may I dedicate this song to anyone who's ever felt alone, in sharing this song with you, I am less lonely and I thank you for that.
If you and I are listening to the same song at the same time, does that connect us in some way? Ever catch yourself staring out at the street and wonder if someone on the other side of the street is gazing at the same thing? What if they are watching you, watching these cars zipping by? Does that connect you? Wish I understood how this whole thing works. Sometimes I see far too much and I just don't know what to do with it all. I see too many patterns. Too many connectors. I see too much and I'm afraid it'll just drive me mad one day.
